This is ridiculously hard. I have 3 major paranoia's: spiders, anticipated pain, and the feeling of being alone. The problem is that I have felt more alone in the past 24 hours than I have in my entire life I believe; especially last night.
My boyfriend of 3 years 7 months (today) left to go on a graduation/school trip with a class of his from college yesterday. He's travelling all over the UK and gets to try Guinness in Ireland and see Stonehenge and go to London (to which I'd love to visit again). I dropped him and his two friends off at the Atlanta Airport yesterday at 2:30pm.
Then last night, at my friend's house in ATL where I stayed the night, I cried for hours - and yes, it is ridiculous. I know that it's utterly ridiculous, but every time I tried to stop crying I'd just start hyperventilating.
It's that feeling of being so alone. Even though my friend and her 2 year old were in the next rooms and my friends and family are still around, I felt more alone than ever. Knowing that I can't call him in the middle of the night if I have a bad dream or that he can't really call me except maybe every three days or so. He feels farther away than even the UK right now and I don't really know how to stop feeling like this.
I'd rather not cry until it hurts and I wake up with swollen eyes for the next 15 nights.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Summer itself...
...seems to be it's own vicious cycle. I haven't obtained a "job" for the summer, and granted, haven't really been diligently searching for one. I haven't been working out - no surprise there unfortunately. I still haven't done all the laundry that I brought home from college - yeah I know. I haven't been able to get my sleep system renewed and on track.
And the problem is summer itself! See, I spent all school year waiting for the next thing: Summer. Now that I'm here, parts of it are a bit boring - now I just am waiting for August when I get to move into my own apartment with my boyfriend and start a fresh new Senior year of college. However... Summer is supposed to be all about freedom for a student. So by-golly if I'll do anything that I could remotely describe as work. Hence my downfall.
I want Summer. I love Summer. I love being able to see Shaun everyday and being able to read for fun and not having papers and responsibility. Except that responsibility won't seem to let go of me. It's like a monster, hanging on to my leg and saying, "You should do laundry. You should do dishes. You should get a job. You should do something!" And it's right. The darn thing is absolutely right.
But it's Summer!!!!!!
And the problem is summer itself! See, I spent all school year waiting for the next thing: Summer. Now that I'm here, parts of it are a bit boring - now I just am waiting for August when I get to move into my own apartment with my boyfriend and start a fresh new Senior year of college. However... Summer is supposed to be all about freedom for a student. So by-golly if I'll do anything that I could remotely describe as work. Hence my downfall.
I want Summer. I love Summer. I love being able to see Shaun everyday and being able to read for fun and not having papers and responsibility. Except that responsibility won't seem to let go of me. It's like a monster, hanging on to my leg and saying, "You should do laundry. You should do dishes. You should get a job. You should do something!" And it's right. The darn thing is absolutely right.
But it's Summer!!!!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Some Poetic Things
For years I've been wanting to get some of my poetry online and this is finally a way for me to do so without having to recall my semester of basic HTML. On the page link above you'll find 2 poems that I've already added. I realize that as I add more it may get a bit ungainly to scroll through them all, but it makes me happy that they can at least be read.
Notably, as you can see in the two that I've posted thus far, most of these poems were written when I was much younger and they do reflect my age at that time. All my poems are written in times of "extreme feelings" - when I'm super happy or depressed I like to write. I haven't written any poems recently, but my young teenage years produced several poems as one could guess.
So they're not masterpieces, not by a long shot. However, I am very fond of them, and hold memories that I keep.
If you like them, I'd like to know. If you don't, I'd like to know. Just please remember I'm not posting these to get published or anything like that - but if there's a 15 year old out there that connects with some of the feelings that I had at that age (for example), then I think those kind of connections are important.
Enjoy :)
Notably, as you can see in the two that I've posted thus far, most of these poems were written when I was much younger and they do reflect my age at that time. All my poems are written in times of "extreme feelings" - when I'm super happy or depressed I like to write. I haven't written any poems recently, but my young teenage years produced several poems as one could guess.
So they're not masterpieces, not by a long shot. However, I am very fond of them, and hold memories that I keep.
If you like them, I'd like to know. If you don't, I'd like to know. Just please remember I'm not posting these to get published or anything like that - but if there's a 15 year old out there that connects with some of the feelings that I had at that age (for example), then I think those kind of connections are important.
Enjoy :)
The Beginning
I do believe I've had more fun playing with the layout of this blog than anything else!
Also, I do realize the title of this post is quite unoriginal. But truly... it's the beginning of summer, soon to be the beginning of my senior year in college, soon to be the beginning of living in my own apartment with the love of my life, and this all began tonight with a ridiculously common vicious cycle...
The past three years of college life have instilled in me several unhealthy habits, including staying up entirely too late. It's now past 1:30am and I can't sleep. Not because I don't want to! Oh no!! But because I am so used to being up at this hour to finish papers or math homework or to talk to my dearly missed roomie that I am actually unable to sleep at this time without forcing myself. And well, I just don't feel like doing that right now.
Insomnia --> Entirely too much thinking. And of course that's all "one thing leads to another" anyway. I watched Julie & Julia tonight (which I thought was excellent) which got me thinking about blogs in general. But then I was I making this blog I starting thinking about the color green and how I'd love to have green in my apartment next August but can't seem to find that "perfect" green anything, which got me thinking about my current room at home which is green and has been since we painted over the rainbow that used to arc over my room when I was a wee little girl, which had me thinking about names for baby girls (because I'm a girl and admit it or not we do those sorts of things), which in turn made me think about a baby I used to babysit and a recent post about that baby's new found ability to sleep through the night.... sleep. Back to sleep. See? Vicious cycle.
Why vicious? Because I still can't sleep.
But I love the lily on this blog. I may keep it for a while.
As you may know (though, there is no "you" as of yet, not quite sure who "you" is...), I'm not very good at all at being brief. 'Tis an art I have not mastered. So I'll end this before my use of run-on sentences and commas offends by English major boyfriend too much :)
'Night!
Also, I do realize the title of this post is quite unoriginal. But truly... it's the beginning of summer, soon to be the beginning of my senior year in college, soon to be the beginning of living in my own apartment with the love of my life, and this all began tonight with a ridiculously common vicious cycle...
The past three years of college life have instilled in me several unhealthy habits, including staying up entirely too late. It's now past 1:30am and I can't sleep. Not because I don't want to! Oh no!! But because I am so used to being up at this hour to finish papers or math homework or to talk to my dearly missed roomie that I am actually unable to sleep at this time without forcing myself. And well, I just don't feel like doing that right now.
Insomnia --> Entirely too much thinking. And of course that's all "one thing leads to another" anyway. I watched Julie & Julia tonight (which I thought was excellent) which got me thinking about blogs in general. But then I was I making this blog I starting thinking about the color green and how I'd love to have green in my apartment next August but can't seem to find that "perfect" green anything, which got me thinking about my current room at home which is green and has been since we painted over the rainbow that used to arc over my room when I was a wee little girl, which had me thinking about names for baby girls (because I'm a girl and admit it or not we do those sorts of things), which in turn made me think about a baby I used to babysit and a recent post about that baby's new found ability to sleep through the night.... sleep. Back to sleep. See? Vicious cycle.
Why vicious? Because I still can't sleep.
But I love the lily on this blog. I may keep it for a while.
As you may know (though, there is no "you" as of yet, not quite sure who "you" is...), I'm not very good at all at being brief. 'Tis an art I have not mastered. So I'll end this before my use of run-on sentences and commas offends by English major boyfriend too much :)
'Night!
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